And we're still okay!

At the beginning of this pregnancy I was already pretty sad about its end - as we figure that this will be our last time having a baby. I wanted to savor every little thing knowing that I will more than likely never be pregnant again (even though we would love to have more children). And, in a lot of ways I still feel that way. Every little baby hiccup and kick is still amazing to me, and there is the thrill of the unknowns (happy unknowns) - will he look like Canaan? Be big or small? Have red hair? What will his personality be like?

We are so blessed to have this little one on his way, and we feel really confident at this point, in huge part because of all the support and answered prayers, that he will come home to us healthy and near/at full term.

But we are also at the point now where we are ready to be done and move onto a hopefully more calm, normal life for a while (albeit one with of course much less sleep and post-baby physical recovery for me).

So far during this pregnancy (between BJ and I) we have had 3 hospital stays (total of 4 stays this year) and have faced/continue to face preterm labor, anemia, kidney stones (this and the recovery after the birth of Canaan are the two most painful things I have ever experienced), hydronephrosis (compression of the tube between my bladdar & kidney causing my right kidney to atrophy), extremely low blood pressure (in the hospital this week I was at 55/34 - they actually brought in another blood pressure machine because they thought theirs must be broken) and BJ's pericarditis (inflammation around the heart).

Yes, it's getting a little ridiculous! :) With all this drama I'm starting to get a little more nervous about the BIRTH (please not in the car, PLEASE not in the car)! I'm just praying things go smooth since we have a pretty bad track record lately! BUT, no matter what, we have a truly amazing and faithful God who, with each challenge, has helped carry us through. It seems like EVERY time I start to feel overwhelmed and unsure there is suddenly a solution out of nowhere - usually in the form of an amazing friend or family member stepping in to show our family love and support. It's easy to keep coming back to how blessed we are!

Baby Bump Update

Tomorrow I will be... dun da DA!! THIRTY weeks!

This is the milestone I have been so excited for! This whole process for me is like running... which I hate. The only way to keep going is just to convince myself to run to just that mailbox. Then when I get there... just to the light pole, and so on. And pretty soon, before I know it I've run 200 meters ;) (yep, really hate running).

So now that we're here at 30 weeks I can look forward to 32... then 34. Now, with each milestone I am getting some pretty sweet rewards! Each one to me is like Christmas morning. With this one (30), I am allowed to sit up a little more AND try going downstairs every few days and lay on the couch (can't wait to do this tomorrow!!). And as long as I continue to stay stable (ie not dilate), around 32 weeks my doctor will let me start going to church again (in the wheelchair). After nine weeks laying in bed these privileges make the next 8 weeks seem so much less daunting (especially since I know that the closer we get to the end the more time is going to draaagggg). But now that I've made it to the mailbox I know I can make it to that light pole! :)

And another bonus, I passed my 3-hour glucose test! :)

I will leave you now with some adorableness...






A big thank you to Julie for capturing these moments!

All up in there...

Dear Ezra,

Let me introduce you to the underside of my ribs. Just a little FYI, this is NOT an awesome place to hang out. You can just take my word for it. I promise.

Okay, well... so you're pretty much are in control of everything right now anyway... and are putting up with hundreds of contractions... so I guess you can go ahead and enjoy the new-found spot. :) Just this once. And then not again.

Love,
Momma

PS. love you to a million pieces.

Moo-wah!

Canaan has this really funny obsession with the moon. When he was a really little baby, BJ and I were taking a walk with him around the neighborhood and he saw the moon for the fist time. His eyes got wide and his arm shot up with a dramatic point towards the sky. For a long time since then he will always try and find images of the moon in his books (since a lot of our books seem to revolve around bedtime it's easy to do). If we flip past the page to read on he's quick to stop us and head back to the glorious moon page.

Then this past June when he first started to open up verbally his first word (beyond "this", "Mama" and "Dada") was "moon". Walking out of church after the last day of VBS he quickly noticed the moon, pointed up and shouted "MOO!" (yep, I about cried). "Moo" has evolved into "moo-wah" as he works on finding the "n', but his meaning is clear. The boy loves the moon.

A few weeks ago (after I'd begun this long stint in bed) BJ and his Mom took Canaan out for a little walk. He marched around the house with a determination to find and point out the moon to them. BJ said he tried to stop him since it was the middle of the day, but sure enough Canaan found it quickly hiding behind our house.

Today I've been working on our 2011 family album and I of course had to create and add in a bit of the moon to remember this stage of Canaan's life where something so simple could hold his attention & imagination so intensely. Life is magic at this age. And we love that boy to the moo-wah and back.

Scenes from the Bed

THE STATS:
24 Weeks!
3 Weeks (and 3 days, but who's counting?) in bed

This past week has been, in a word, overwhelming. BJ started a fever and experiencing chest pains Monday night, and by Tuesday morning he was in the ER and eventually admitted overnight for inflammation around his heart (caused by a virus). I really feel like everything we've been going through played a part in him getting so sick - he has taken on so much and has such a heavy burden of being both mom and dad and caring for me. It's so difficult now to see him step back into these roles without being able to have the recovery time he needs.

Then Wednesday I had my weekly OB ultrasound and we discovered I have started significantly funneling (similar to dilating but from the top-down), which never happened with Canaan and hasn't happened thus far with Ezra. Seeing that my condition is only getting worse despite all we are doing was really discouraging and pretty frightening as well. Up until now I have really felt confidence that this would end well - with a happy healthy baby. For the first time I really started to fear that that might not happen. Now, four days later, I am emotionally in a much better place and finding peace again (the God who loves us and loves Ezra more than anyone - is the One who is in control), but of course I have my moments.

Thankfully, we have our AMAZING army of helpers (bringing meals, helping watch Canaan, running errands, cleaning, sending cards & care packages, encouraging us and praying for us)! How families go through things like this without the support is really a mystery to me. Even in the midst of everything it's pretty clear that we are very, very blessed.

We have another blessing... his name is Canaan. :)



He keeps us laughing...



...and entertained!



All the normal rules have gone out the window! Cookies in bed!! WAHOO!!

My 11th Day in Bed

22 weeks.
11 days on strict bedrest (including 3 days of hospital bedrest).
126 days until our official due date (November 28th).



Yesterday marked 22 weeks pregnant! Every new week has become a treasured milestone, moving us closer (seemingly inch by inch) towards our goal of making it to September 17th (30 weeks). In a way there is an added peace we have this time that we didn't have with Canaan - knowing we have been here before and made it through to the other side. But what we face now is a challenge greater than with Canaan - with the pre-term labor starting two precious weeks earlier. And the hardest part for me has been losing my ability to be a Mom. I never knew how much I would miss bath time, refilling sippy cups, being able to pick him up, even diaper changes. Still, I give my worries and moments of sadness to God, try to stay positive, and He continues to give me strength beyond what would come from within myself naturally.

BJ has been truly amazing, taking on the role of a single working dad - enduing mentally grueling 10-hour shifts at work and then laundry, grocery store trips, house cleaning, watching over me and working to fill both mom and dad roles for Canaan. We are so incredibly thankful for our families, our friends and our church. We have been blessed with so much love and support!

My next ultrasound is tomorrow afternoon, and hopefully the test results are good enough to allow me to stay at home and not be readmitted to the hospital! But whatever happens, we'll gladly do whatever is necessary to bring Ezra home safe! I know there are plenty of people who would happily change places with me and go through all of this if it meant they could have a child. I try not to forget that when I'm starting to feel the itch of self-pity.

My Hiding Place

Having just completed "The Hiding Place", it's difficult to find myself anything but grateful - laying in bed on day #1 of bedrest. Even with an uncertain number of days ahead of us I am so thankful to God...

• That Ezra is still in there. One more day down.
  
• For BJ - even after a long 10 hour day taking calls from angry people he came home to be Mr. Mom and my help without a single word of complaint. Only support, concern and love.
  
• For the reminder of how blessed we were with Canaan to have had him arrive full term and perfectly healthy. Every milestone met, every smile, even every cry - we are indeed overwhelmingly blessed.
  
• That I have a comfy bed to lay in.
  
• For a good book to read.
  
• For intelligent, careful, caring doctors.
  
• For the medicine that already seems to be helping keep the contractions at bay.
  
• For the video baby monitor making it possible for me to see the sweet baby I miss already.
  
• For our wonderful friends and family who are already helping us in so many ways.
  
• For Ezra and his sweet, strong kicks.
  
• And of course, for plain M&M's.
  

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Corrie ten Boom and her sister Betsy, after entering their barracks at the concentration camp, Ravensbruck (for hiding Jews in their home).

....

"That's it, Corrie! That's His answer. 'Give thanks in all circumstances!' That is what we can do. We can start right now to thank God for every single thing about this new barracks!"

I stared at her, then around me at the dark, foul-aired room.
"Such as?" I said.

"Such as being assigned together."

I bit my lip. "Oh yes, Lord Jesus!"

....

"Thank You," Betsy went on serenely, "for the fleas and for---"

The fleas! This was too much. "Betsy, there's no way even God can make me grateful for a flea."

"Give thanks in all circumstances,'" she quoted. "It doesn't say, 'in pleasant circumstances.' Fleas are part of this place where God has put us."

And so we stood between piers of bunks and gave thanks for fleas. But this time I was sure Betsy was wrong.

....

One evening I got back to the barracks late from a wood-gathering foray outside the walls. Betsy was waiting for me, as always, so that we could walk through the food line together. Her eyes were twinkling.

"You're looking extraordinarily pleased with yourself," I told her.

"You know we've never understood why we had so much freedom in the big room," (all other barracks were under rigid surveillance, guards in their warm wool capes marching constantly up and down) she said. "Well - I found out."

That afternoon, she said, there'd been confusion in her knitting group about sock sizes and they'd asked the supervisor to come and settle it.

"But she wouldn't. She wouldn't step through the door and neither would the guards. And you know why?"

Betsy could not keep the triumph from her voice: "Because of the fleas! That's what she said, 'That place is crawling with fleas!"